me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
You Might Also Like
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?