[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]