Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.