I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me sliding into hell like
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭