Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading