*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?