When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
The best shot in the history of golf
‘I know a black person’
– White people
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to