The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Happy weekend !
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.