Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
went fishing caught a bass
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”