Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
You Might Also Like
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point