At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman