This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
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There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water