“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I really had high hopes for this year though
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious