Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 馃槶
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me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren鈥檛 for you
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My body feels like it鈥檚 aging in dog years
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can鈥檛 help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I鈥檝e been learning to cook.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It鈥檚 chloroform isn鈥檛 it?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
This week’s mood.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don鈥檛 have a date, you can still have a clean house.