Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
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A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.