8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
craving $300 all of a sudden
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face