*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
(True)
knights of the ikea table
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”