Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701