haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
You Might Also Like
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming