the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
🤣🤣🤣
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf