Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
You Might Also Like
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
s
oc
i
a
l
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point