What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet