My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.