COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.