You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Möther may I have a snäck
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I am a gravy boat captain
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”