ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
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What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
My time has come.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Tony Hawk, age 6
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
This was a bad idea all around
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird