Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Yup….perfect score!
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???