@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
new career option?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
necessity is the mother of invention
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this