Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)