Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.