me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
You Might Also Like
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.