White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.