Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
How your email finds me
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here