Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
You Might Also Like
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)