I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck