Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Still my favourite meme.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.