My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Catering service
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.