If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I would like even faster food.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th