I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
A choir of Spring onions
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
#parenting
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play