Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
These are too funny not to post 😂
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Lmao
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.