Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
We decided to have money instead of children.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.