Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
You Might Also Like
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Are you ok, human???
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat