What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down