A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?