My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler