I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
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*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Growing up was a huge mistake
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Snapes on a plane.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year