“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time