If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Who called it baking and not making love
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.