I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.