Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Your secret is safeish with me